Log in

No account? Create an account
entries friends calendar profile Previous Previous Next Next
Dreaming of Forward Progress - tri•bo•lu•mi•nes•cence
luminescence due to friction
Dreaming of Forward Progress
I'm such a dreamer. Growing up, I was almost always lost in a dream of what life could be. As I got older, the dreams turned into fantasies of what life could have been. I used daydreams to hope, now I just use them to cope. They don't feel real to me anymore, they don't feel possible. The future that could have been has been turning into the past that might have been.

There was a time, many years ago (2002?) when I gave up on all my childhood dreams of greatness, because I realized I could not achieve them. That's when my dreams quit being plans for the future and simply became fantasies. Fake. Pretend. Instead of imagining what I could be in 10 years, I'd pretend to be someone else, or maybe myself in an alternate reality where I got things right. A favorite fantasy became me going back in time and jumping into my body as a Freshman in high school with what I know now and getting it right (and stopping my mom's death, 9/11, inventing Facebook, etc. Hey, if you're gonna time travel...).

For years I wrote off my consistent, repetitive lack of forward progress as personal laziness. Looking back now I realize there has been so much more going on. I talked with a friend a few years ago. She described some issues she had. Things like a crippling perfectionism, which gives rise to procrastination. The symptoms she described fit me really well. And her friend was going through the same thing. The thing we all had in common was: we all lost a parent when we were younger. Then it clicked: I'd been affected more by my mom's death than I realized. On the surface, sure I was merry-go-lucky me. I only cried once when she died. I was too busy being numb, too busy comforting others, too busy just moving on. While I never felt it didn't happen, I think I went into a state of denial, and never came out. And all the while I thought I was moving on, I was being crushed inside and didn't even know it.

I am a heavily guilt-ridden person. I over-analyze things, I hold myself to a high standard that I never achieve, and never lessen. Compromising my standards, even if impossible, is to me a lie. If I achieved a lesser goal, I wouldn't accept it. Which is a shame, a person needs some success in their life.

Strung out like some Christmas lights
out there in the Chelsea nights...

I'm feelin': contemplative contemplative
Current Music: Hotel Chelsea Nights - Ryan Adams

3 Punk Rockers or Play a lick ♫
From: (Anonymous) Date: January 26th, 2013 12:32 pm (UTC) (Link)
Brother of thoughts,

Fantasy is the vehicle that keeps us grounded now. Reality is only held by the strings that keep us animated. Reality is the the substance and fuel of our fantasies. To us, it is of no importance. Therefore, we should not feel guilty about it.

Set a better dream. You've become consumed in your own fantasy now. It harbors and contains you. It keeps your mind and heart aflame. It gives you purpose in a world where there was no name for anything as such. Keep it together and be still. Dream along with me, as we slowly give in.

Sister of Dreams
From: (Anonymous) Date: February 2nd, 2013 11:47 am (UTC) (Link)
I am so glad to see that you're back. Please don't leave. Post random links,or anything I don't care. Just prove to me that you still exist and are out there. I missed you terribly.
For the longest time, I thought you were dead or MIA (or it's civilian equivalent).

Please stay.
SuperxManda From: SuperxManda Date: March 10th, 2013 04:34 am (UTC) (Link)
3 Punk Rockers or Play a lick ♫