Well the fog returned and I spent the last few days being basically useless. My social anxiety has gotten worse. It’s to the point where if I even hear voices out in the living room I don’t want to come out of my room lest I have to say hello. Yesterday my aunt’s son-in-law came over with his girlfriend and her kid. Even though it was like 8:45PM and I hadn’t eaten all day I still hid in my room, not daring to venture out until about 40 minutes after I couldn’t hear their voices anymore.
Today while I was sleeping I got a call back from a part-time job I had applied for. The prospect of calling them back had my nerves strung tight. I spent the rest of the day in bed with the covers pulled snug and shivering. My hope is I can call back tomorrow, that maybe my system will have by then adjusted to the idea. I can tell myself that I’ve got nothing to lose. If it goes bad and I don’t get the job then I’m still in the same boat. If I do nothing that is what will happen anyway, so I might as well give it a shot.
But the mind, my mind, doesn’t work like that. I do have something to lose. I don’t fear not getting the job, I fear going in there and having this authority figure see right through me and say how worthless I am. He doesn’t even have to say it. A simple incredulous look on his face that seems to say, “You thought that you’re qualified for this? for anything?” would be enough.
For me, human interaction is a performance, one where I have to put on my human costume and fool the world into thinking I am a real human being. Social anxiety is my stage fright and I worry I’ll be laughed off stage at any moment. I don’t fear not getting the job, I fear having all my feelings of loathing and self-doubt confirmed by someone else.
While in bed I couldn’t help but think about the fruitlessness of it all. That getting a job, going back to school, that making something of my life was just too much work and I didn’t know if I was up for it. That’s when it dawned on me that my depression was back. Depression isn’t just, “I feel sad.” Depression is when the fundamentals of logic shift inside, and all the stupid rationalizations for ending your life that would have anyone else shaking their head (or throwing up) suddenly make sense. That thought is only horrifying if you’re healthy. If you’re depressed... modus ponens.
I’m really glad I’m back on my meds. And at least I now know that if I go off them it will return. I’ll stay on them forever if I have to. I started writing this because it made me feel better before, and with ~3 weeks left before these pills are supposed to take effect, I need the help. If my social anxiety precludes me from talking to anyone else, then at least I can have a conversation with myself. And so far—this time, at least—it seems to be working.