I’m living with my aunt now. I moved here back in... October or November. I was going to go to school in the fall but that fell through and then I procrastinated and missed the winter term (I don’t know how funding would have been anyway). So now... Spring? I haven’t felt very productive or proactive the last couple weeks, which is partially why I’m writing this. I need to be productive. I look back over the years of repetitive nothings. The same day in and day out of nothing on top of nothing. For too long my goal hope in life was to make enough money (preferably through some lucky huge payday) to be able to afford to sit at home and do nothing. I have trouble working. Not physical work, but mental work. My mind can’t focus on anything for more than few minutes (if that...) and when I get a problem that requires any sort of thought (I won’t even say intense) I feel the... frustration rise and basically put my system into shut down mode. I don’t even like thinking about it, or thinking unpleasant thoughts. “Gosh I haven’t done anything in my life, maybe I should...ugh..think about something else.” I’m in a bit of a writing mood these days, so it’s like “Hey I should write one of my story ideas.” Of course it’s just a phase and will fade like every interest of mine. I was just thinking a couple weeks ago about ‘that old writing interest’ and how I didn’t care about it.
Actually it’s kind of funny. What got me thinking about it again was considering how George R. R. Martin uses an old DOS program to write his books. I’ve always been a stinker for interesting tools of the trade, and it made me want to do some writing... perhaps in the terminal. I started looking at nano and vim and emacs, then at the distraction free apps. I purchased Ommwriter awhile back but didn’t use it much. It wasn’t scratching the itch though. Too modern, too new-agey to tickle the old fashioned funny bone that got activated in me. Then I found FocusWriter: distraction free with customizable themes, typewriter sounds if you want them, the ability to set the focus to specific lines (like iA Writer) and even to set daily writing goals. Oh, and it’s free. So I paid a $10 ‘tip’ to the maker, because it’s just too good. This is the first time I’m using it. I set the theme to be something like Zenburn, with it’s blackish grey background and easy on the eyes text. Yum.
My music interest of the week (and who I am listening to now) is Lana Del Rey. I got her albums (the illegal way) Born to Die and Ultraviolence and I really like them. Actually, on the music front, I’ve decided I want to start buying all those albums I torrented over the last 10 years, at least the ones I want to keep, and dump the rest. So many albums I keep just to... have. Like it’s a status symbol so I can tell someone, “Yeah I have 4 million songs in my iTunes. I am obviously a superior specimen then you.” And I notice that when I buy the album (in a physical medium) I enjoy it more. Knowing I EARNED it makes me happier when I listen to it. A lot I’ve gone and bought on vinyl, too, so my collection of new vinyl is growing. With the resurgence of vinyl, you can buy it at Barnes & Noble and even Fred Meyer now. They don’t have big collections (Fred Meyer’s was like 6 records. I bought one) but they have it. I did the same at Costco the other day when I saw The Wire for sale, each season about $17 so I got them all. Even if I don’t watch it again (though I’m thinking I should), I watched it before after torrenting it, so I wanted to ‘get right’ and bought it for that reason. Karma, morality, whatever. I can’t buy everything right away but I can get some at a time, especially if I get a good paying job. Gosh, I feel better just talking about it, or maybe I feel better from writing this.
On writing though. I have so much to learn on stories. That’s what killed my last writing phase. I was working on a story and got to a trouble spot and felt the frustration grow and just quit. I felt it was crap. I know even the greats get that feeling but that didn’t help me at the time. People say you need to write x many words in your career before you can truly become good (or maybe it was hours... like the 10,000 hours rule). I don’t want to have to practice or work at anything. I want to have a story idea, write it and of course it will be GREAT the first time and I’ll make a ton of money and I can afford to sit at home and do nothing for a few years. Get rich quick. Perfection the first time. Yeah. The space game idea: learn to program, make the game, get rich. A -> B -> C. Turn around time, 2 years, max. Uh-huh. It’s that need for instant gratification. In reality, if I were learn to program, the space game would be the project I have on the side that I can toy with and practice what I learn on, while I learn and work on other things. Then maybe 5 years later I will be good enough, or have enough, that I can make something of it. With writing, too. I need to drop the silly idea that I can, that I HAVE to get it right the first time like I’m entitled to success, and just write for the experience of it, for the fun of it. Write a story. Maybe it will suck, who gives a shit. Write another then. If I get good later and go, “Hey one of those earlier stories I already wrote, I could do it better” then do it better. Who cares if I’m doing it again.
Heh... I looked at my epic fantasy idea, which I’ll never be able to use in its present form because I thought of it after reading LOTR for the first time, so it has too many, what’s the word, cognates? in it. Though some idea from it I could use if I could apply them in another manner. I was looking at some of the content there and it’s just awful. That’s ok though. At least I still have those old notes, because in addition to being awful, it’s also pretty detailed in some areas. There is more there than I remembered there being.
But I’m really digging Lana Del Rey. And that’s all I’m going to say today.
Or that’s all I was going to say then. But then and Rey don’t rhyme so well. I finished watching the Lord of the Rings extended editions. Each movie is like 4 hours long, but they didn’t so long. I like them more than the hobbit movies, which seem to have been made more for teenage boys and kids. But I tend to prefer darker and more real, and it’s a darker story in LOTR anyway. “There and back again” versus “There is no hope and we’re all going to die.” I’d kind of like to read the books again but I don’t know... I read them a second time a few years ago, and I’m not sure it’s been enough time yet (unlike A Song of Ice and Fire where if it’s been a year and a half I’m ready to go again). I started reading The Children of Húrin, but not with a lot of gusto. I left my Unfinished Tales collection in Kentucky. Oh well, there’s wiki pages nowadays anyway, and I’ve been gobbling those up.
Another day, another year, and I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. Meanwhile I’m still growing older. A year ago I ‘settled’ on computer science/programming, but of course the interested faded. All interests fade; to the point where I don’t WANT to do them anymore. “This is a bad idea, ugh. I’d hate every minute of it for this, this, and this reason.” So I can’t pick anything, or at least not anything for more than a few weeks, maybe a month. Then I’ll have several months of not wanting anything. Yeesh. I took medication for the depression and it worked. Maybe I need something for this...this ADD or ADHD or whatever. It’s pretty serious, whatever it is. I’m not going to play that, “I’m undiagnosed with something and I’ll keep it that way!” game, like I did with depression. Sitting around fretting, “I don’t want [people to think] I just want medication like some crutch.” In the end it was just an excuse not to act. Screw that. If you have a bum leg, grab yourself a crutch. Quit limping all over the damn place and hurting yourself even more, ya cripple.
Course... I haven’t even been to the doctor to transfer my prescription stuff here, so I haven’t taken them for 2 months or so. I’m not sure but I’m thinking that maybe I can, to some degree, feel the difference. The big difference they made (after the initial euphoric period) wasn’t my day to day moods, but they kept me from getting caught in the downward spirals. So I don’t know if I’m back to the old me these two months without the meds, and I won’t really know for sure until one of those happen. In a way I guess I’d kind of like to find out. Can I quit the meds and move on? On the other hand... they’re cheap, don’t have negative side effects and is that really a gamble I want to be taking right now? My life is too much of a mess to be taking risks. Or... or maybe I have little to lose so why not risk it now? I don’t know. Probably just an excuse not to act =P I should see a doc, get this prescription transferred, and check out about the ADD/ADHD/whatever. That’s all I’m going to say about that (for now).